DAILY CUSTODY TIP: “You’re Grounded!” How to Collaborate in Punishing Your Children

Imagine this situation: Suzy, a 14-year-old, stays out with her friends well beyond the local town curfew. She is escorted home at 2:00 a.m. by a local police officer. She is drunk. Her mother, the custodial parent, is infuriated. "You’re grounded, young lady," she declares. And she means it! Except for one problem....

The next morning, Suzy, is scheduled to visit her father for a court-ordered visitation. Suzy and her father have scheduled a weekend at the shore, including sailing, fishing, and snorkeling. Suzy’s dad is a so-called "Disney Dad" – always trying to win the child’s affections by buying her gifts, taking her on day trips, and entertaining her. But shouldn’t the child pay a price for her disobedient and drunken behavior?

A common concern among divorced and separated parents is the different styles each parent employs in disciplining the children. One parent plays hard-ball; the other parent is a softy. One parent believes a structured punishment will work while the other parent takes no action at all. In a child custody dispute, it is often a good idea for parents to collaborate in punishing the child. Instead of griping about their different styles, the parents should coordinate their efforts and impose punishment together. This process prevents the child from shirking her responsibilities, and teaches the child that she cannot play off between her parents.

In fact, the parent who takes the initiative to collaborate in the area of child discipline will often score additional points with the judge in the family court. By striving to work together on such issues, a parent can demonstrate her commitment to co-parenting and may be viewed by the court as the parent most likely to show leadership over the child’s social and personal development.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Introduce Children to the Library

It may seem old-fashioned in these days of Googling and downloading books online, but it is still a good idea to introduce your children to the library. Showing your kids how the local library works can be a useful strategy in a contested child custody case. In the family court, the question of custody and visitation rights is based on what’s in the best interests of the child. The "best interest" includes many different considerations, including the best educational and cultural interests of the child. One way to demonstrate your commitment to the child’s educational and cultural development is to introduce him or her to the pleasures of reading, and to the inner workings of the library system.

Going to the library with your kids serves many positive purposes. For one thing, it’s a field trip – that is, something you can do together out of the house. It’s a place to expose them to the wealth of library services: how some people study there, how others browse for new books to read; how others conduct research, and still others simply relax with a magazine or newspaper. It teaches children the rules of library conduct (no talking out loud!), and encourages them to get to know their local librarian. In many community libraries, children may obtain their own library cards-- a source of pride that may draw them back to the bookshelves many times in the years to come.

In court, a parent who has made the library trip with a child has one more valuable credit in her quest to obtain or retain custody rights. A non-custodial parent who introduces the child to the library can truly demonstrate his smart investment of visitation time with the child and his enduring commitment to the child’s personal development. When children are interviewed by a counselor, a court-appointed guardian or a judge, they are often asked what kinds of things they do when they visit with their mothers or fathers. "We go to the library" is a great answer and a genuine reflection on the parent who’s looking out for the child’s best interests.