DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Do you want your kids or don’t you? Speak up early and file your proposal promptly with the court.

Many states have a procedure and a deadline for stating your position with respect to custody and visitation rights. For example, under New Jersey law, a parent who wants custody or other rights to the children must file a written “Custody and Visitation Plan” within 75 days after the last pleading is filed with the court. Such a plan could state that you’re asking for full custody, joint custody, legal custody, split custody, or any other kind of arrangement recognized by your state.

Unfortunately, many parents skip this step, or they think about it at the last minute, weeks or days before a trial is scheduled to begin. Many judges do not enforce this requirement. All of this is bad planning.

The better approach is to determine early in your case what kind of custody or parenting time and visitation rights you’re seeking. Understand your options; consult with competent counsel. If, for example, you want joint legal custody and joint physical custody of the children, then declare this position in your complaint, petition, motion papers and/or custody and visitation plan. Make this declaration early in the case, and stand by it as the case proceeds.

A party who fails to declare his/her intentions, who remains unclear, or who vacillates in reaction to child support orders or other pre-trial rulings is likely to be considered disingenuous and perhaps ill-suited for custodial rights.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Befriending your babysitter may benefit your case.

Chances are, your children’s babysitter knows a few things you don’t know about the children. She may know that your daughter has a crush on a boy at school; she may know that your son got into a fight with a neighborhood bully; she may know why the kids dislike court-ordered visitations with your ex-spouse.

Has anybody learned something important from the babysitter? Do tell.

Because the babysitter is often privy to inside information that children may be reluctant to share with a parent, it is always a good idea to get to know your babysitter well. In fact, befriending the babysitter can have many benefits in the event of a contested child custody case or a dispute over parenting or visitation time. A good babysitter can serve as your "undercover" eyes and ears, making observations about the children and picking up on cues about their happiness at home and at your ex-spouse’s home. A babysitter may detect inappropriate behavioral patterns or may discover an undisclosed bruise on one of the children’s arms or legs. Rumors at school or at camp could leak out while the babysitter is over the house. For example, imagine learning from your babysitter that your daughter saw a "For Sale" sign on your ex’s home – something your daughter didn’t think was important to mention to you, but mentioned it to the babysitter while playing a board game that jarred her memory.

Babysitters can also serve as key witnesses at child custody trials. They can testify about your parenting skills, your home and work schedules, your household rules and discipline, the children’s state of mind and state of health, and other important factors. Babysitters may also have valuable information about your ex-spouse, which – if you can get around the hearsay rule – may provide further evidence on your behalf.

Let me know any experiences you might have had with babysitters.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Avoid surprise drivers by making early introductions.

Once two parents split up and start shuffling the children between two homes, there is always the risk that the parent responsible to pick up or return the children will have a scheduling conflict. Occasionally, it becomes necessary to have another person carry out the transportation responsibilities. But this is often the source of many curbside confrontations and petty courtroom fights.

For example, a custodial parent may be frightened or threatened to find her ex-husband’s mother picking up the children at the start of his visitation period. Or, she may react harshly to finding the ex-husband’s new girlfriend or new wife behind the wheel. Likewise, the non-custodial parent may feel uneasy returning his children to his ex-wife’s new boyfriend – a new guy in a strange car who has an unclear level of familiarity with the children.

Does the substitute driver have a valid driver’s license? Is his or her car properly registered and insured? Is there a car seat for infants? Working seat belts and airbags? Is he or she a safe person?

The best policy is to introduce all potential substitute drivers as early as possible. Address the possibility that scheduling conflicts may occur, and that the in-laws, or new “significant others” may do the driving from time to time. Provide assurances that the substitute drivers are licensed, are driving safe vehicles, and otherwise pose no risks to the children. If appropriate, identify the substitute drivers in your mediation settlements, divorce agreements, and court orders.

Addressing the issue of substitute drivers as early as possible will prevent the risks of an unnecessary domestic violence complaint or a time-consuming or costly motion before a family court judge.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Give timely notice of summer vacation schedule with the kids.

If you’re taking the children on a summer vacation, give the other parent early notice of your vacation plans. Provide the dates of travel, the itinerary and accurate contact information at least two months in advance. Whether you’re the custodial parent or the non-custodial parent, sharing this information on a prompt and timely basis – as early as possible – will help you in your custody or visitation case.

Too often, custodial parents take the children on getaways to the seashore or the mountains without informing the non-custodial parent, or by providing him with only spare or misleading information. On the other hand, non-custodial parents often fail to get their vacation plans together until the summer has already begun, often competing with the custodial parent for specific dates or weeks in July or August. For busy kids – those who attend summer camp and participate in baseball or soccer teams – the competition for free vacation weeks can be tense.

Judges generally do not like to receive summertime motions from a non-custodial parent complaining that the custodial parent has been secretive or evasive about her vacation plans with the children, or that she has been monopolizing the process. Likewise, judges tend to disapprove of motions from custodial parents charging that the non-custodial parent sat on his laurels and took no action to arrange a summer vacation with the children until after the summer already began. Such disorganization or lack of communication rubs the court the wrong way, and doesn’t help anybody’s position in a child custody case.

Parents should start thinking about summer vacations in the winter and vice versa. Besides the fact that prices may be better for those who make early bookings, a timely exchange of information with the other parent will cast you as being a responsible, well-organized parent and will solidify your priority right to the applicable vacation time.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Ask Your Child to Itemize the Pros and Cons of Your Household.

Here’s an eye-opener: Give your kids a pencil and a piece of paper and ask them to list all of the pros and cons of living (or staying) at your house. Regardless of whether you’re the custodial parent or the non-custodial parent, kids are likely to have some opinions about your home, your yard, your house rules, your food, and your lifestyle. Get them down on paper.

Why is this helpful? For one thing, you may learn something about your child’s likes and dislikes that would otherwise never have been expressed. But you may also learn about areas of potential vulnerability if your child is interviewed by a judge or a psychologist. For example, imagine if your son or daughter told a judge (without ever having first told you) that your cooking stinks or that he or she disapproves of all of the fried food that you serve for dinner. By inquiring into the “pros and cons” of living at your house, you’ll get a deeper understanding of the kinds of things your child might talk about, when prompted by a therapist, a custody evaluator or a judge.

Asking your kids to itemize the positive and negative aspects of your household also presents an opportunity for you to improve your custodial position with the child. If a child complains, for example, that you set bedtime far too early, then you should talk about this subject. Start a dialogue on the issue of bedtime. Perhaps you’ll extend the bedtime on certain days of the week, or on certain other conditions. By showing some give-and-take on these issues, you’ll not only strengthen your communication with the child but you’ll teach the child the value of expressing one’s opinions and a civil, balanced method for achieving results. Imagine if such a child told a judge, “I used to think my mom made me go to bed too early, but we talked about it, and she explained to me how important it was to get a good night’s sleep. So some nights I get to stay up later now, as long as I sleep a little longer in the morning.”

Has anybody ever tried this? Have you ever made changes based on your children’s complaints? Please share.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Take the Whole Neighborhood to the Fireworks.

In a child custody case, one parent generally has custody or visitation rights on Independence Day. Like Memorial Day and Thanksgiving Day, our national anniversary on July 4^th is often one of the holidays which parents bargain for – or fight over – in a custody dispute.

If you have your child on July 4^th, you should capitalize on the festive and communal nature of the holiday. Take your son or daughter to the fireworks, but first, gather up the cousins, the neighbors and their children too. Make it a group event – not just a family event. When you travel with the neighbors and their children, everybody gets a chance to bond, to communicate, and to celebrate under the summer sky.

When other holidays roll around, such as Labor Day or Halloween, the children may want to connect with each other again. In fact, the parents may have discovered valuable relationships and collaborative supervision and transportation arrangements. Perhaps even more importantly, when the next child custody or visitation dispute rolls around, the parent who organized the Independence Day gathering can call upon his neighbors as potential witnesses. The children, if interviewed by psychologists or judges, will remember the July 4^th festivities happily. All of this provides more evidence of the child’s significant connections to the parent’s home, neighborhood and community.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Invite the in-laws…..and your custody case will grow stronger over time.

It may seem contrary to popular experience, but inviting your mother-in-law and father-in-law to partake in child-related events may help you to win your custody case. Indeed, keeping the in-laws in the loop is evidence of your greater appreciation for maintaining a relationship between the children and their grandparents.

In many families, we find friction between a parent and her in-laws. Like the television series “Everyone Loves Raymond,” the mother-in-law is often looked upon as a busybody, know-it-all, who interferes and dominates when she’s on the scene. In-laws may not always be welcome, and they may be ungracious meddlers. Yet they should not be ignored.

When a custody fight is on the horizon, it is even more important to keep the in-laws connected to the children. Invite them to the soccer games, the ballet performances, the school concerts. Invite them to some of the lesser important events involving the children – not just to the big holiday parties. Invite them to go shopping with you and children, or to accompany you and the kids to the neighborhood park.

Of course, you shouldn’t be inviting the in-laws along because you need them to serve as baby-sitters, or because you’re incapable of caring for your children on your own. Rather, it should be strictly for social and familial purposes. By keeping the in-laws in the loop, you are sustaining an important part of the children’s generational relationships. You’re rising above the petty disagreements, and the problems with your spouse, and you’re demonstrating your commitment to a greater wholesome and nurturing environment for the children.

Often, judges extend custody rights to the parent most likely to accommodate the other parent and most likely to maintain the children’s extended family ties. By keeping the in-laws on the A-List, you have another argument in favor of your own rights to primary custody because you – and perhaps you alone – are the parent most likely to provide an inclusive relationship between the children and their various family members.