DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Back to school before back to court: Take a class with your child and gain an advantage in your custody case.

An excellent way to improve your stake in a child custody case is to take a class with your child. Sign up for a cooking class with your teen. Or sign up for karate together. Enroll in a summer basketball camp – both of you – and complete the program together. Join an art club or take a painting class together.

Not only will taking a class together draw you and your child closer together, tightening the parent-child bond, but it could be lots of fun and could provide a great recreational activity for a sometimes stressful relationship. Perhaps most importantly, taking a class together will provide demonstrable evidence of your commitment to your children, creating strong evidence in your favor in a family court.

There may also be enduring benefits even after the class ends. Consider, for example, cooking up a feast with your child for Thanksgiving, while showing off some of things you learned together in the cooking class. Or, practicing karate together as a form of exercise at the commencement of each of your weekend visitations with the child, drawing on the techniques learned in your karate class. By extending the classroom experience, you can enhance the parenting experience while bolstering your position in a contested custody case.

Has anybody ever taken a class with their son or daughter?

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Do not withdraw restraining orders when custody is at issue. (Domestic Violence and Child Custody – Part 2).

Yesterday, I blogged about the importance of securing a domestic violence protection order or restraining order if you’re a legitimate victim of domestic violence. Not just because you may need one to ensure your safety, and not just because judges often issue temporary custody orders as well. I recommended that you secure the domestic violence orders as a tactical maneuver in the event that have – or expect to have – a child custody dispute on the horizon.

I also cautioned against using the domestic violence system improperly: Court orders are intended for real victims of domestic violence who can use the orders as a shield against further harm, not for imagined “victims” who see a domestic violence order as a sword to be wielded to gain an advantage in divorce court.

If you obtain a protection order or a restraining order, do not forget about it. Don’t bury it. Don’t re-write it on your own. Don’t voluntarily disobey it (or permit the assailant to do so), and most importantly, don’t agree to dismiss it. Too often, when parties reach an agreement on child custody or visitation time, they include a provision withdrawing or dismissing the domestic violence protection order. In fact, such a provision may seem necessary in order to carry out the visitations. After all, how can the parents exchange the children between their homes if they’re restrained from communicating with each other or entering upon each other’s property?

The better practice is to return to the domestic violence court and to narrowly modify the protection order or restraining order to permit the kind of custody and visitation arrangement you wish to have. Modify those portions of the order that must be changed to make the custody arrangement meaningful, but retain the remaining language in the order. For example, a modified restraining order could state that the non-custodial parent is permitted to communicate with the custodial parent, but only via email or texting, and only for the purposes of transmitting informational updates concerning the children. A formal modification of the court order, best accomplished with the advice of legal counsel, will promise the greatest amount of protection while enabling the custody and visitation plan to be put into force.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Befriending your babysitter may benefit your case.

Chances are, your children’s babysitter knows a few things you don’t know about the children. She may know that your daughter has a crush on a boy at school; she may know that your son got into a fight with a neighborhood bully; she may know why the kids dislike court-ordered visitations with your ex-spouse.

Has anybody learned something important from the babysitter? Do tell.

Because the babysitter is often privy to inside information that children may be reluctant to share with a parent, it is always a good idea to get to know your babysitter well. In fact, befriending the babysitter can have many benefits in the event of a contested child custody case or a dispute over parenting or visitation time. A good babysitter can serve as your "undercover" eyes and ears, making observations about the children and picking up on cues about their happiness at home and at your ex-spouse’s home. A babysitter may detect inappropriate behavioral patterns or may discover an undisclosed bruise on one of the children’s arms or legs. Rumors at school or at camp could leak out while the babysitter is over the house. For example, imagine learning from your babysitter that your daughter saw a "For Sale" sign on your ex’s home – something your daughter didn’t think was important to mention to you, but mentioned it to the babysitter while playing a board game that jarred her memory.

Babysitters can also serve as key witnesses at child custody trials. They can testify about your parenting skills, your home and work schedules, your household rules and discipline, the children’s state of mind and state of health, and other important factors. Babysitters may also have valuable information about your ex-spouse, which – if you can get around the hearsay rule – may provide further evidence on your behalf.

Let me know any experiences you might have had with babysitters.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Avoid surprise drivers by making early introductions.

Once two parents split up and start shuffling the children between two homes, there is always the risk that the parent responsible to pick up or return the children will have a scheduling conflict. Occasionally, it becomes necessary to have another person carry out the transportation responsibilities. But this is often the source of many curbside confrontations and petty courtroom fights.

For example, a custodial parent may be frightened or threatened to find her ex-husband’s mother picking up the children at the start of his visitation period. Or, she may react harshly to finding the ex-husband’s new girlfriend or new wife behind the wheel. Likewise, the non-custodial parent may feel uneasy returning his children to his ex-wife’s new boyfriend – a new guy in a strange car who has an unclear level of familiarity with the children.

Does the substitute driver have a valid driver’s license? Is his or her car properly registered and insured? Is there a car seat for infants? Working seat belts and airbags? Is he or she a safe person?

The best policy is to introduce all potential substitute drivers as early as possible. Address the possibility that scheduling conflicts may occur, and that the in-laws, or new “significant others” may do the driving from time to time. Provide assurances that the substitute drivers are licensed, are driving safe vehicles, and otherwise pose no risks to the children. If appropriate, identify the substitute drivers in your mediation settlements, divorce agreements, and court orders.

Addressing the issue of substitute drivers as early as possible will prevent the risks of an unnecessary domestic violence complaint or a time-consuming or costly motion before a family court judge.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Give timely notice of summer vacation schedule with the kids.

If you’re taking the children on a summer vacation, give the other parent early notice of your vacation plans. Provide the dates of travel, the itinerary and accurate contact information at least two months in advance. Whether you’re the custodial parent or the non-custodial parent, sharing this information on a prompt and timely basis – as early as possible – will help you in your custody or visitation case.

Too often, custodial parents take the children on getaways to the seashore or the mountains without informing the non-custodial parent, or by providing him with only spare or misleading information. On the other hand, non-custodial parents often fail to get their vacation plans together until the summer has already begun, often competing with the custodial parent for specific dates or weeks in July or August. For busy kids – those who attend summer camp and participate in baseball or soccer teams – the competition for free vacation weeks can be tense.

Judges generally do not like to receive summertime motions from a non-custodial parent complaining that the custodial parent has been secretive or evasive about her vacation plans with the children, or that she has been monopolizing the process. Likewise, judges tend to disapprove of motions from custodial parents charging that the non-custodial parent sat on his laurels and took no action to arrange a summer vacation with the children until after the summer already began. Such disorganization or lack of communication rubs the court the wrong way, and doesn’t help anybody’s position in a child custody case.

Parents should start thinking about summer vacations in the winter and vice versa. Besides the fact that prices may be better for those who make early bookings, a timely exchange of information with the other parent will cast you as being a responsible, well-organized parent and will solidify your priority right to the applicable vacation time.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Take the Whole Neighborhood to the Fireworks.

In a child custody case, one parent generally has custody or visitation rights on Independence Day. Like Memorial Day and Thanksgiving Day, our national anniversary on July 4^th is often one of the holidays which parents bargain for – or fight over – in a custody dispute.

If you have your child on July 4^th, you should capitalize on the festive and communal nature of the holiday. Take your son or daughter to the fireworks, but first, gather up the cousins, the neighbors and their children too. Make it a group event – not just a family event. When you travel with the neighbors and their children, everybody gets a chance to bond, to communicate, and to celebrate under the summer sky.

When other holidays roll around, such as Labor Day or Halloween, the children may want to connect with each other again. In fact, the parents may have discovered valuable relationships and collaborative supervision and transportation arrangements. Perhaps even more importantly, when the next child custody or visitation dispute rolls around, the parent who organized the Independence Day gathering can call upon his neighbors as potential witnesses. The children, if interviewed by psychologists or judges, will remember the July 4^th festivities happily. All of this provides more evidence of the child’s significant connections to the parent’s home, neighborhood and community.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Invite the in-laws…..and your custody case will grow stronger over time.

It may seem contrary to popular experience, but inviting your mother-in-law and father-in-law to partake in child-related events may help you to win your custody case. Indeed, keeping the in-laws in the loop is evidence of your greater appreciation for maintaining a relationship between the children and their grandparents.

In many families, we find friction between a parent and her in-laws. Like the television series “Everyone Loves Raymond,” the mother-in-law is often looked upon as a busybody, know-it-all, who interferes and dominates when she’s on the scene. In-laws may not always be welcome, and they may be ungracious meddlers. Yet they should not be ignored.

When a custody fight is on the horizon, it is even more important to keep the in-laws connected to the children. Invite them to the soccer games, the ballet performances, the school concerts. Invite them to some of the lesser important events involving the children – not just to the big holiday parties. Invite them to go shopping with you and children, or to accompany you and the kids to the neighborhood park.

Of course, you shouldn’t be inviting the in-laws along because you need them to serve as baby-sitters, or because you’re incapable of caring for your children on your own. Rather, it should be strictly for social and familial purposes. By keeping the in-laws in the loop, you are sustaining an important part of the children’s generational relationships. You’re rising above the petty disagreements, and the problems with your spouse, and you’re demonstrating your commitment to a greater wholesome and nurturing environment for the children.

Often, judges extend custody rights to the parent most likely to accommodate the other parent and most likely to maintain the children’s extended family ties. By keeping the in-laws on the A-List, you have another argument in favor of your own rights to primary custody because you – and perhaps you alone – are the parent most likely to provide an inclusive relationship between the children and their various family members.

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Give the Non-Custodial Parent a Freebie

Often, a child custody case is so contentious that parents fight over every little detail. So this piece of advice may seem contrary to common practice. But trust me on this one: It’s not a bad idea, every once in awhile, if the parent with primary physical custody of the child (the custodial parent) gives some extra time to the non-custodial parent. Toss in a freebie here and there: an extra day of visitation after a holiday visit, a few extra hours on a summer night, a Monday when the child has no school. I’d be interested to know if anybody has done this, and what results you’ve had.

By giving the non-custodial parent an unexpected freebie, the custodial parent demonstrates a non-confrontational willingness to work together as parents in raising the child. The gesture reflects trust and fairness, and if carried out in good faith, may open up channels of communications that were clogged before. By allowing some extra visitation time, the custodial parent may also be building a reservoir of favors she can call in at a later time – for example, if she needs to request an extra day or two to take the child on an extended vacation.

Perhaps most importantly, once parents begin to “massage” and “tweak” the visitation schedule on their own, without filing a motion or a petition in court, they have made a major step toward reclaiming personal control over their children’s lives (reclaiming it from the judicial system, that is).

If the custody case remains contentious, then the custodial parent still has a tactical benefit she can employ when the non-custodial parent complains about her alienating behaviors. “That’s not the least bit true, your honor,” says the custodial parent. “In fact, as the court can see, I invited the child’s father to take the child for unscheduled visitations on at least six occasions last year…six times that I wasn’t ordered to do so, simply so that father and son could spend some quality time together.”

Have any custodial or non-custodial parents dealt with this situation?

DAILY CUSTODY TIP: Tracking Doctor’s Visits as a Custody Strategy

Whenever parents are embroiled in a child custody fight, or a dispute over visitation rights, the court will inquire into what arrangement serves the "best interest" of the child. But how do we know what is in a child’s best interest? What exactly do those terms mean?

The "best interest" test really boils down to a number of questions: What is in the child’s best educational interest? What is in the child’s best spiritual interest? What is in the child’s best medical interest? ...and so forth. One of the most important ways of measuring what is in a child’s best interest is to consider which parent provides the most day-to-day contact with the child’s doctors, dentists and other health care providers. By gauging a parent’s involvement with physicians and day-to-day health issues for the children, a court can establish one important criterion for determining the "best interest" of the child.

In most cases, the custodial parent takes the responsibility for getting the children to and from their checkups and other doctor’s appointments. To strengthen their positions, custodial parents should give timely notice to non-custodial parents of all doctor’s visits, and then keep track as to whether the non-custodial parents participate in the doctor’s visits, contact the doctor directly before or after the visit, or otherwise inquire about the visit. By tracking the non-custodial parent’s participation levels and response rate, the custodial parent will be able to argue, if necessary down the road, that the non-custodial parent was disinterested in, or detached from, the child’s health care.

If you are a non-custodial parent, you may find that you can strengthen your claim for custody, joint custody, or visitation rights by remaining actively involved in the children’s health care. Attending doctor’s visits, communicating with physicians and office staff regularly, reading doctor’s notes and reports and becoming familiar with the children’s prescriptions will also serve to demonstrate that you are connected with the best medical interests of the children.